Are you too loyal?

Before we get into this week’s newsletter, I’d like to announce that my group practice are now accepting new therapy clients in NY, NJ, & FL!

If you’re interested in a free consultation, click below.

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Now, let’s begin…

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People tell me all the time, “I feel stuck.”

Stuck in the same relationships.

Stuck in the same arguments.

Stuck saying yes when they mean no.

Stuck carrying everyone else’s emotions while neglecting their own.

Stuck choosing people who leave them feeling unseen.

I understand why “stuck” is the word that comes to mind. But in my work, I rarely see stuckness. I see loyalty.

Loyalty to the rules your nervous system learned in order to survive.

Yup, thank kind of loyalty! Let’s talk about it.

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Where the rules came from

Long before you had language for any of this, your body was paying attention. It was studying what kept you emotionally safe. It scanned for which behaviors reduced conflict, earned approval, prevented rejection, kept you connected to the people you depended on.

Nobody sat you down and taught you these rules. Your nervous system arrived at them on its own, quietly, through repetition:

Don’t ask for help.

Keep the peace.

Don’t disappoint anyone.

Stay small.

Don’t trust too easily.

Don’t be too emotional.

Don’t need too much.

They were survival strategies, aka intelligent adaptations to whatever environment raised you. And a strategy that keeps you connected to the people you need doesn’t get released easily, even years later, even when your circumstances have changed completely.

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Ok, but I don’t want this, so why am I doing this?

This is what makes healing so confusing. Part of you genuinely wants something different.

You want to set boundaries.

You want to ask for support. (Ugh my kryptonite)

You want to choose healthier relationships.

You want to rest without guilt.

You want to speak honestly instead of swallowing your needs.

Butttttttt…..every time you move toward change, the old rules you’re loyal too take over and say:

Careful. What if they leave?

What if they get angry?

What if you’re too much?

These are the loyal scripts that got us all here.

You got us here. But as they say, what got you here, won’t get you there….

Healing about sorting which rules were built for a past that no longer exists. Beyond that, it’s about writing new scripts that reflect the future you desire for yourself. One where you...

…can ask for help.

…don’t have to earn love.

…can disappoint someone without abandoning yourself.

So if you’ve been telling yourself you’re stuck, consider another possibility.

Maybe you’ve simply been loyal to old rules and that loyalty no longer has to exist.

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REFLECTION QUESTION

Let’s end with some reflection.

What’s one rule your nervous system has been living by that you’re ready to rewrite? I’d love to hear it in the comments.

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For other ways for us to connect, you’re warmly invited to explore the following offering:

New therapy slots available in my practice for adults and teens (via Telehealth in NJ, FL, & FL) → Schedule a Free Consultation

FYI, we may have a new look and feel to this newsletter soon. Be on the lookout for the same great tips with new packaging.

Until soon,

Dr. Mariel